Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me linking you to my twitter
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*Inspirational Tweets*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]