@markleggett

Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.

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@samalmightysam

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

@david8hughes

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

@pilau

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

@huntigula

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@truegritrumble

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

@causticbob

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

@DanMentos

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”