Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”