[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
iPhone X
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.