[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.