republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it

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divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.


If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread


[DAY 6]
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.


Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.


[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*


Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]


New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.


I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.


I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters