@mikefossey

republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it

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@ginnyhogan_

divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.

@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@PoliticalGroove

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

@matt___nelson

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

@noogscorner

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

@YoungNobler

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

@CliffDuffy

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters