We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.