divorces should not cost money. you should actually get the money you spent on the wedding back, or at the very least, store credit.
republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters