who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.