I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You Might Also Like
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
my fav colour is also hitler
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.