End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
couldn’t resist
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.