@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

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@skittle624

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@rolldiggity

Whenever I see a whirlpool, I scream, “Help! That tornado can’t swim!”

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

@Dutch_50

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@Its_Miss_Riss

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

@jonnysun

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???