*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.