@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

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@AlanTheWriter

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

@AmishPornStar1

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@Dani_Feld

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

@SamuelHLowe

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.