Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.