Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.