[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
#KarenAndTheCat 😉