Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.