You Might Also Like
I like donuts.
Twitter:
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Living the best life.. 😊
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
reminder
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating