Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”