For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Dead sexy!!
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.