@Tmoney68

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

You Might Also Like

@davidmackau

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

@mattZillaaaa

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

@MomOfTeen

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

@UncleDuke1969

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@sparticus_af

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

@LoneWolfStories

Her: Let’s go shopping.
Me: In your dreams.
Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi.
Me: Why are we still here?

@0v3rthOught

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*