Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
dogs can find happiness so easily
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.