According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
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Me: Excited for the dance?
13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.
Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!
13yo: I need new parents.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
I’ve never been more proud.
I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*