“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
[the boy is riding a shark]
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold