Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

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According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.


Me: Excited for the dance?

13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.

Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!

13yo: I need new parents.


Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.


My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.


I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.


Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.


[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod


Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*