There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
i think my razor is having a panic attack