@cosmicbibi

Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

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@MattMcC1

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@copymama

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

@markedly

ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold