@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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@Fred_Delicious: **You're through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops** [smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
@UncleDuke1969: "Put cheese on it." "It's not-" "Put cheese on it." "Really now, you-" "Everything gets better with cheese on it." "Sir, it's a BROKEN LEG."
@jwoodham: The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven't worked out all the bugs yet.