Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.


“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”


Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”


ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!


Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.


Pissing Blood is bad right?

PHEW! false alarm guys, its Ketchup!

… Pissing Ketchup is bad right?


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?



6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.


wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-


Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.