Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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Got ya covered
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Matt Goss
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
all that yoga finally paid off
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone