Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)