Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough