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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.