1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.

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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?


Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….


ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days


Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.


My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.


The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.


CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.



My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”