respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.