Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
my dad has had enough
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
adding to the discourse
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*