Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
sigh
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I鈥檓 into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right 鈥榬ound like a record.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
It鈥檚 a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can鈥檛 send or receive emails. I don鈥檛 know why I didn鈥檛 think of this sooner.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you鈥檙e driving.
I鈥檝e seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you鈥檝e got work to do.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you鈥檙e not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
White parent Vs Arab parents
It鈥檚 so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.