Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no


Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.


when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming


[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-


I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.


I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.


My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.


Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.