Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
M: oh for the bath?
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are