[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
You Might Also Like
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Love is in the air fryer.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK