I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!