I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?
Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.
People who don’t have a name for their newborn,
What the shit did you do for 9 months?
wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.