Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:

You Might Also Like


I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics


Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together


Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.


So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist


Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.


People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?


wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”


My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.