@JamesRonaldOK

Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:

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@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

@minafisheyes

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@Darlainky

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.