me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –
Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.
[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]
OK NOBODY MOVE
*from back office*
Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.