Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK:

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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings


“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night


If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.


I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.


“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*


Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?


They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.


[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]


*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.