Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.