Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree