Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

You Might Also Like


Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.


I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*


How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.


A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.


cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?


Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*


“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.


Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?