@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

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@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

@heytonyiscool

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

@weinerdog4life

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

@RedRegenerated

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@Lavadog93

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

@ericsshadow

Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?