Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this