[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.