I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
They did not miss in the small print
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]