restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.


if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”


A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field


Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.


Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.


He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.


I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”


When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.


Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*