@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.

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@upsidedowntrash

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

@notabeanie

DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

@SCbchbum

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@ch000ch

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@junejuly12

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair