GF: You cant keep it.
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
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DOC: good news is you’ll make it
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair