[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Care for your back
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.