Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.