@FrazzleMyGimp

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

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@Los01001111

I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

@KissabiX

“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.

@trishimal25

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

@iwearaonesie

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@LaLuchaNix

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

@CelebrityChez

I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake