BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u


A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime


No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.


Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.


Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go


Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.