BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

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I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?


The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”


me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so


There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.


My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.


I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.


date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake