If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Please be chicken…..Please be chicken….
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)