Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal


People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.


My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.


Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.


“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police


My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird


“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs