[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Most fashion shows these days…
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,