Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
GUY: How do you make a living?
FRANKENSTEIN: make a living what?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*