Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex

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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.


Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.


My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”



*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*