date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”

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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman


“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”


Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.



Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.


MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.


Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it