If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
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“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”
“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
“Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!” – aaaaaaaaand hospital.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it