If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
From my Mom
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
happy valentine’s day to me
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I need to get some bricks…
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.