[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.