Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”

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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?


Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!


“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am


Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.


at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed


Do you get extra points for killing two birds with another bird?


absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys