[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Beware of the dog..
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me, in DM rooms…
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.