Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
You Might Also Like
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.