ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

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[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge


“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.


No one has stolen my identity yet and I’m starting to take it personally


TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.


Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to


almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free


SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.