[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.