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Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”


Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes


I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon


Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)


[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.


This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.