After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
Finally! 😈
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Fluff me with a fork baby
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.