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@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@adamhess1

Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

@bfrosty04

I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

@HlessHman

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

@panmidwest

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@sip_at_home_mom

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.