Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?