It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Ironic
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Happy Friday
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want