[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
When he asks for feet pics
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?