[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*pronounces surface like Versace*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit