Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”
– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?