@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

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@behindyourback

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@xLitaLitax

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

@WineMummy

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.