ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.


I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.


People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk


[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager


“I don’t understand the value in seeing a therapist.”

– People who haven’t spent time with me yet.


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again