[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I think this cat is broken
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
seems fine
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”